For once and for all
by redleton
Summary: Lizzington / Post 2.18 / Spoilers / He wanted to explain himself so desperately and all she could do was listen.
1. Chapter 1

"Go away."

She shut the door in his face without second thought. She was furious. He should be in the hospital not in front of her crappy motel room. But what did she think? He went ballistic when Liz had ordered Dembe to bring them to the next hospital instead of calling Mr. Kaplan and bringing him to his safe house.

And he finally passed out by his stupid yelling when Dembe didn't even blinked when he agreed.

When they made it to the hospital Ressler and Samar were already waiting, along with a cavalry of agents.

She had no clue how he had managed to ditch the security in front of his room. And how careless he was running around injured and alone when someone had made it his mission to kill him. And nearly succeeded.

"Lizzie hear me out."

His voice was soft and lacked his usually warm tone. He knocked again.

"I need you to hear me out, please." A single knock again.

She stood in the middle of the room, staring at the door and about to burst into tears. He was injured - severely injured and still he stood out there trying to explain, why he had made his life's work to destroy _her_ life.

"Go away, Reddington. I don't want to hear your made-up stories."

Her voice was shaking violently and she knew that he could hear it too.

"Please."

He wouldn't go away and she told herself the only reason she opened the door was because of the people nearby. As crappy as her living arrangements were, she had no intention of trying to find another place at the moment.

He nearly fell over when she suddenly opened the door and his eyes squinted slightly.

He was probably totally drugged up.

She let him enter and closed the door way softer than before but never spared a glance at him.

"I will call Ressler to pick you up."

"Don't."

She shook her head and reached for her phone on the nightstand.

"I am done with this, Reddington. You need to rest. And you won't do it here."

She turned to him and regretted it immediately when she _really_ looked at him.

Shoulders slumped, head down and a hand trying to grab the wall for support. He was clad in jeans and a shirt and both didn't seem to fit all too well.

"Keen, where is Reddington?" She barely registered Resslers voice from the other end of the line and neither did she really notice when she hung up on him.

"Let me explain why I hired Tom."

Oh right, there was _that_.

Her anger flared up and she grit her teeth.

"For once let me explain."

But she couldn't help herself because he was being unfair. It wasn't that she never let him explain things as it was him not wanting to explain or elaborate.

"You never cared to explain yourself so there is no need to do so now." She was about to talk herself in rage and when he didn't say anything she huffed.

"See? Why can´t you ever be straight with me? From the very first time we met you only told me bits of the truth and now that I _really_ don't want you to say anything, you feel the need to explain yourself?" She panted and he looked at her like he had when he´d told her about Sam. "Fuck you Reddington. I gave you what you wanted and now you can leave me alone."

He left the security of the wall then to get closer to her but she stepped away. She couldn't trust him even if he was hurt and she could most likely take him down easily. Not that she wanted to.

"There are things that you need to learn by yourself" He still got closer and soon she felt the wall behind her. "And then there are things that I don't know about either." He stopped right in front of her and his pained expression mingled with a small, probably more painful smile.

"But I can't tell you that because the little faith you have in me is because you believe I have answers to all of your questions in the end." He turned his head sideways, with that oh so penetrating gaze. "And I can't lose that too."

Her breath was flat because he was so close now that she could sense the clinical smell on him, a faint glimpse of his cologne. She could literally see every small wrinkle on his face and his face seemed so much bigger and brighter and he leaned in.

He partly used her as support, his left hand grabbed hers and his mouth barely touched her ear.

"I hired Jacob Phelps to watch over you. To observe you. To be there when you are in danger. To report to me. Berlin hired him away from me. Gave him twice as much as I did. _Berlin_ hired _Tom_ _Keen_ to marry you. To infiltrate your life and ultimately to get to me. And I _am_ sorry for that because I never wanted you to be part of any of this." His breath was warm on her ear and he inched just a little bit closer so their bodies touched all the way. He was quiet literally trapping her against the wall and she didn't even think about pushing him away. Deep inside she wanted him to explain but there was always that small voice telling her that she shouldn't believe what he told her. He was a criminal and criminals are notorious liars.

"I wanted you to have a normal life. To be loved by a man that would appreciate your mind and beauty, who would share your interests, fears and dreams. A man that would love you without any doubt. A man that could give you a life you deserved. A child. Warmth and Happiness." He hesitated and his hand left hers and moved up to her head. She barely felt the touch of his fingers on her hair.

"I never wanted to be part of your life because I am everything but good for you. I forgot what it means to trust and it scares me that you make me remember."

He was trembling violently when his voice died and she knew that she was what was holding him up. Liz carefully wrapped her arms around him and hugged him. Not as tightly as she wanted.

There were still so many questions and lies and half-truths between them. But in that moment he had given her a whole lot more than words.

"You need to lay down, Red."

He never acknowledged her words but let himself be pushed to the bed at their side. He carefully sat down and let her help him lay down on the cheap bed.

She bent down and kissed his forehead and it seemed like a promise. His eyes closed, his breath still ragged, hand tightly in hers.

Liz could hear the sirens in the distance and knew that his rest wouldn't be for long. They needed to get him back to the hospital where he, for the moment, belonged. With her at his side until he was strong enough to ditch the agents again but with her silent blessing to do so.

The sirens got louder.

She would look for a new apartment tomorrow.


	2. Care about you Part 1

**A/N: I didn't plan this but well... there will be a second part to this chapter. Thanks for fav's and reviews - I appreciate it! **

* * *

It shouldn't be like this, he thought.  
Of all the things he had planned over the past two years, this has never been a part of it. Truth to be told he hadn't thought that they would last _so_ long. A year if things would go well. Everything after could hardly been called a plan. And it took its toll now.  
He had been reckless these past weeks. Because Luther Braxton had been too close to the truth and had set the ball rolling.  
And then Lizzie. He understood her confusion about her past, her feelings and what part he played in all of it. But the constant fights she´d try to pick with him, her pushing him away. It pained him and even confused him.  
Because truth was that she shouldn't care about him anymore.  
He had brought so much destruction to her life, even when she'd been still a child. Without him she might have had a family by now. A normal job as a profiler, a successful career in front of her. A husband she would come home to every day and maybe a child that would wait for its mother to read a bedtime story.  
He hated himself on so many levels that the gunshot wound in his chest felt strangely deserved and acceptable.  
In his foggy mind he tried to picture Lizzie's perfect life. And eventually he ended up being the man she would cuddle up to in the evening, kissing goodnight and wrapping her arms around to fall asleep. He wondered for a moment if he would sleep beside her, really sleep like he used to.  
He missed that dearly.  
But he got caught up in reality when there was noise beside him.  
He cracked his eyes open and stared at a white tunic. A nurse was changing the IV bag, _again_. She noticed that he wasn't asleep anymore but never said a word.  
They weren't allowed to speak to him and they probably wouldn't even if they could, considering the two FBI agents in front of his door and the scenery he had provoked the other day.  
He had threatened another nurse to let him go, had stolen clothes and pain medication and the whole hospital had been on shutdown. So it didn't go as flawless as he was used to.  
The nurse turned her head to the other side of the room and when she looked back to him her eyes had soften.  
The nursed and doctors who cared for him all wondered about the woman in his room. They had brought another bed into the room for her.  
He strained his head to see her but he could barely see her head. Both the IV holder and the bedside cabinet blocked his view to her.  
And it was only at night that he could watch her.  
The nurse finished her work and eventually took pity on him. She carefully maneuvered the cabinet closer to the wall and positioned the IV holder to the side. She helped him sit up a little bit more so that he could indeed look at his Lizzie. It calmed him.  
"Thank you."  
She nodded and left the room and he wondered if she would tell her co-workers about it.  
Lizzie laid on her side, facing him. Her blanket was pulled up under her chin and her she looked awfully peaceful.  
He liked that a lot.  
But still there was a throbbing pain deep inside of him that she shouldn't be with him. He just couldn't understand it.

* * *

"I brought a card" Aram announced bouncing on his feet with excitement. Liz took the card he offered and opened it. _Get well soon. You rock! _"Samar helped writing it this time." She smiled even though there were only a handful of people who had signed it. Ressler, Samar and Aram and even Cooper.  
"I will ask Dembe if he wants to sign it too" she smiled and thanked him for the card.  
They weren't allowed into the room since there were still too many questions about who had attacked Red and who could really be trusted.  
"Tell him hi, will you?" Aram smiled sadly. Liz nodded and bid him goodbye when Ressler approached her.  
"I still don't think that this is a good idea, Liz" he muttered and shook his head. "He should stay here, where we can set up proper security."  
"Are you concerned for him, Don?" He snorted but never answered.  
Dembe and Mr. Kaplan had arranged a safe house for Red to stay in for as long as his recovery would last. It wasn't as huge as she had thought but it still offered plenty of room.  
Red was barely awake for the drive from the hospital to his new residence and she wondered if he really understood what was happening.  
It was strange to see him so off his game. Most of the past two weeks he had been asleep or so drugged up that he could barely form a coherent sentence.  
Mr. Kaplan wanted to reduce his pain medication now that they settled him in his bedroom. And Liz was looking forward to it because she missed hearing his voice. They had barely spoken.  
The first night at the safe house was filled with a strange atmosphere. Dembe tried to teach her chess but Liz couldn't bring herself to listen as carefully as she would have needed too. Mr. Kaplan had retreated into her room. She was still furious about Red's suicide mission when he had escaped from the hospital because he needed to talk to _Lizzie_.  
After another twenty minutes or so Liz finally resigned and told Dembe that she just wasn't up for chess at all. She went for her room but hesitated. She had spent the past two weeks with him. She entered his room before her mind could register where her feet were taking her.  
He was still awake, his eyes wide open.  
"Red?"  
His head moved so that he could look at her. She came to a stop at his bed.  
"Lizzie"  
When she sat down at his side, she noticed the sweat on his forehead. They had already reduced his medication. Liz carefully leaned down to him and kissed brow, cheek and jaw and finally pressed a light kiss to his lips.  
"I care about you, Lizzie" Red breathed against her mouth. "I care about you."  
She nodded and straightened again. His eyes went wider again. Careful of his injury and the arm that was hooked up on the IV Liz laid down beside him and pressed her body lightly against his side.  
"I care about you too" she whispered and felt a light twitch of his hand against her.  
And when her eyes were already closed Red tried to decide if he was still dreaming about a life he knew would never exist.


	3. Care about you Part 2

p class="MsoNormal"span lang="EN-US"The days went by in a blur and then became unbearable. br / He was so used to being on his own that he couldn't handle being dependent on someone. Even if it was / Red knew that he was a pain in the ass for all of them – Kate, Dembe and especially Lizzie. He pushed her away, he was painfully aware of it, but couldn't change anything about it. Though she had spent the past three nights beside him, his mind was still trying to catch up on the change in their relationship. br / Or whatever it was they had gotten themselves into. br / With the reduction of his pain medication, the fogginess of his mind went by and reality showed it´s cruel face. They couldn't get involved with each other. It was too dangerous and he needed her to understand that. But it seemed that it was far too late for / Liz made a point not leave his side. br / He knew that she had made some deal with Harold but he still had to find out what that deal had been about. Dembe wouldn't tell him and Kaplan just grunted unintelligibly words when he asked about it. Lizzie kept him out of the loop and he hated it. br / Her very own way to punish him for pushing her away so vehemently. br / Red knew that he couldn't keep that going on for any longer. His body and mind craved her affection and touch. He wanted to give into her so badly that he´d locked himself inside the bathroom the other night to resist the temptation. br / And when he thought he´d finally succeeded he woke up to her sleeping form next to him in the morning. br / It was a lost game really. Because she emknew/em. She knew that he wanted her because he wouldn't reject her kisses or her touches. And it was that small string she was holding onto. br / Mr. Kaplan was yet again with him to change the dressing and examine the wound. But this time Lizzie was still in his room. She sat on a recliner by the windows reading a book he had recommended. Red knew she didn't really liked it at all but respected that she still wanted to finish it. br / "Dearie, would you mind to leave us alone for a moment?" br / Mr. Kaplan expectantly held the door open for her and Lizzie put the book aside. br / "Yes, I would." br / The older woman remained silent, but her face was open like a book, at least to him. Oh she wasn't happy about Lizzies stubborn reply. br / "Raymond-" br / "She can stay." br / Kate's eyes immediately went to him and her eyebrows rose. No, she didn't expect / "Are you sure?" br / He nodded and sat up, his legs dangling from the bed. If she hadn't thought but running from him and hating him, she most likely will do so in a few minutes, he thought and began to unbutton his pajama / He wasn't too modest when it came to nudity, but he was painfully aware of his scared upper-body. There had been women in the past who were disgusted by the expense of the scaring, especially his back. But to be rejected by Lizzie was a whole different / It was the connection she never should have known about and was, when he pulled the shirt from his shoulders, directly confronted with. br / Kaplan was already beside him and removed the dressing, while Lizzie was still behind them. He couldn't sense her moving and Kaplan's poking was distracting / "It definitely looks better" she praised and began to dress the wound again. "If you had taken such care before, there would be less scars, sweetie." He barely registered her words. Lizzies' stillness was making him nervous. He felt the twitch under his eye, the need to turn around and look at her. But he feared what he would see / When Kaplan was finished, she looked up at him and then besides him to where he assumed Lizzie was situated. She leaned forward, kissed his cheek and bid them both goodbye. br / For a very long time neither of them moved. She was still with him but he wasn't sure whether it was a good sign or / He was putting his shirt back on when Lizzie's voice stopped / "Don't"br / His heart was pounding so hard when he felt the bed dip. She pulled the shirt back down and in the next second she was touching his back. It had been such a long time that someone had touched him with such tenderness and care. Especially his back. He´d nearly forgotten what it felt like. The sweet shudder that ran down his spine, the small puffs that tingled over his neck. br / What had he done to earn that woman's trust and comfort? br / When the movements of her hands had slowed down, she closed her arms around his shoulders while she pressed her cheek against / "Thank you" Liz whispered and tightened his arms. br / For the very first time she didn't ran him over with questions and just accepted the obvious. But he knew that she would want to know about it / "Thank you for saving me." br / He remembered the night in the hospital. The life she could have had without him. br / But he realized that if he hadn't entered her life, Lizzie would have been dead a long time ago. And maybe that made it right again. /span/p 


End file.
